The Art Of Diplomacy

by James Leahy

I had a customer come into my showroom and tell me how digital and modern transistors were far superior to a good vacuum tube based audio system and how vinyl is 20+ years behind the game in sound quality when compared to digital and that I should take the wool from my ears.

Some customers ask me what I think but they are not ready to accept the truth and I know before I even give them the answer it is not what they will wish to hear. There is the truth and then there is what the customer wants you to tell them. They are not always the same thing.

Most of the time when customers cannot decide on an item's performance it is because they have not heard or at the very least given themselves the opportunity to fairly and comprehensively compare the products they are bagging against what they consider to be better.

Now; I knew that this man was wrong. I knew it positively and without the slightest shadow of a doubt. There couldn't be the slightest doubt about it. However, even if I had convinced this man that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in. For me to tell him the facts directly to his face would be a sharp blow to his intelligence, his judgment, his pride and his self respect. This would make him want to contest my advice. But it will NEVER make him want to change his mind. You could throw all the logic of a High Court Judge his way but you will not shift his opinion one inch, for you have hurt his feelings.

Never begin by announcing, "I am going to prove so and so to you." That's bad. That's tantamount to saying: "I'm smarter than you are and I'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind." That is a challenge. That arouses opposition, and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start. It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people's minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself? If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly that no one will feel that you are doing it.

As Lord Chesterfield once said to his son:

"Men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot. Be wiser than other people, if you can; but do not tell them so.
I believe now hardly anything that I believed twenty years ago; except the multiplication table; and I begin to doubt even that when I read about Einstein. In another twenty years, I may not believe what I have said today. I am not so sure now of anything as I used to be."

 

 

Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens:

 

"One thing only I know; and that is that I know nothing."

 

Well, I can't hope to be any wiser than Socrates; so I have quit telling people they are wrong. I find that it pays.

If a man makes a statement that you think is wrong - yes, even that you know is wrong. Isn't it better to begin by saying: "Well, now, look I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts." There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts." Nobody in the heavens above or on the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to your saying: "I may be wrong. Let's examine the facts."

A scientist never tries to prove anything. He attempts only to find the facts. You like to be scientific in your thinking, don't you? Well, no one is stopping you but yourself. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all arguments and inspire the other fellow to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

To criticize another man's views is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is negative because it wounds a man's precious pride, damages his sense of importance and creates resentment. If you want your fellow man to resent you, hold a grudge against you for decades until death and undo a lifelong friendship all in the space of mere minutes; just indulge yourself in a little stinging criticism; no matter how much we feel it is justified. All the good times you have both had together will be undone instantly; and your criticism is what he will remember you by.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotions, bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. Just remember the spoken work can NEVER be retracted. You can apologize, but it is never the same. Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain; and most fools do just this. However, it takes self-control character and understanding to be forgiving.

One of the finest things I know about Ben Franklin is the way that he accepted that smarting rebuke. He was big enough and wise enough to realize it was true, to sense that he was headed for failure and social disaster. So he made a right-about-face. He began immediately to change his insolent, bigoted ways.

"I made it a rule," said Franklin, "to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertions of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as `certainly,' `undoubtedly,' etc., and I adopted, instead of them, `I conceive,' `I apprehend,' or 'I imagine' a thing to be so or so; or `it so appears to me at present.' When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.

"And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to natural inclination, became at length so easy, and so habitual to me, that perhaps for these fifty years past no one has ever heard a dogmatical expression escape me. And to this habit (after my character of integrity) I think it principally owing that I had early so much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed new institutions, or alterations in the old, and so much influence in public councils when I became a member; for I was but a bad speaker, never eloquent, subject to much hesitation in my choice of words, hardly correct in language, and yet I generally carried my points."

 

Why prove to a man he is incorrect.....? Is it going to make him like you? 99% of the time arguments end with each of the contestants being more firmly convinced then ever that they are the one who is absolutely right. You can't win an argument! This is a VERY important point to understand. You can't; because if you lose it; you lose it, and if you do win it you still lose it. Why is this? Suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove to his face that he is Non Compos Mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about the other man....? You have made him feel inferior. You have damaged his pride and he will resent your triumph because of it.

Any man convinced against his will - Is of the same opinion still.

There are times when you will be able to change another man's view point and times when it is not worth all the tea in China to even try. As a result of it all, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one sure fire way to get the best of an argument 100% of the time and that is to avoid it! Avoid it as you would avoid a snarling vicious Rottweiler at the end of a fragile leash hanging on by it's last thread and ready to take your leg off.

On the opposite side of the coin is that we all make mistakes and if you know you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Any fool can try to defend his mistakes and most fools do just that, but it raises one well above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exaltation to admit one's mistakes. Isn't it far better to beat the other fellow to it and do it ourselves? Isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from foreign lips? Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say and say them before he has a chance to say them and you take the wind out of his sails. The chances are that he will then take a generous, forgiving attitude and minimize your mistakes. You can learn from everyone you meet if you allow yourself half a change and as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

As a young foolish boy I remember arguing with my father over anything and everything and he would simply agree with me to defuse the situation and then simply continue on with greatly more important matters. At the time I thought him foolish, how much I had to learn! I never recall my father arguing with anyone even when he knew he was 100% correct. I didn't understand his logic at the time but now I have learned what he knew so well then. The wiser a man is the less he feels he needs to display it to the world with pointless arguments.

Ask yourself this..... Would you rather have an academic, theoretical victory or your fellow man's goodwill?

You can seldom have both.